A couple of days ago, I was fresh from off the bart. It was a rainy night and I was on the way home. Along the way, I ran into a couple of neighbors of mine. One was waiting for a family member to come and retrieve her from the bart station, the other was a travel companion of mine. I might mention that it’s pouring raining outside. All three of us decided to stand and wait for our neighbor who was going to redirect that family member towards the bart station. So there we are, the three of us. They were huddled under an umbrella and I was snug in the hood of my jacket. Apparently, I looked really sad standing there in the rain with nothing but my jacket covering me, because my travelling companion offered me the chance to stand under his umbrella. I politely declined his offer and stood there observing the beginnings of our walk home. Of course, because this guy is a gentleman, he decides to allow me partake in his umbrella for covering. Gentleman and a scholar. It was a nice gesture.
That being said… I think its time for me to make something clear.
Me and umbrellas… Not friends.
I want nothing to do with them, and they have nothing to help me with.
There’s been a recent rash of cold, rainy, stormy weather here in northern california this week. This has been unfortunate. Not because I hate rain. I think rain is amazing. We here in the golden state don’t happen to see very much of it. It’s actually kind of special. No, the thing that I hate about the rain is that it brings about an outpouring of umbrellas. (get the pun? see what I did there?)
Like Santa Claus or the tooth fairy. Umbrellas are supposed to be these magical things that provide you with a sense of wonder about life. They are used to make people feel better about soggy situations. If you lose a tooth, this tooth fairy person is supposed to make the loss better. You give up a tooth that you’ve been growing for the past 6 long years, all for what? A shiny quarter?! Not equal trade my friends… Although, it soothes the souls of small children and makes them feel like they’re gaining something by growing up. This Santa Claus guy. He’s just some kindly older gentleman who knows exactly what you want, and in the middle of the night on Christmas eve, he slips into your household by means of chimney (who knows how he gets in without the chimney? I’m still working on that. doesn’t make sense right?) Santa makes things bright and happy for the Christmas season. Umbrellas, they promise to protect you against the rain. With the immanent danger of being soaked, we look to the umbrella as a way to get some salvage.
The problem is that, unlike the tooth fairy and Santa Claus, umbrellas really don’t do anything well. There’s no upside, there’s no lesson learned from an umbrella. Umbrellas to me are in the same league as harlots (yes, I used the word harlot, recognize). They are dirty, cheating, and manipulative. No one likes being coaxed into a feeling of safety and getting drenched. Umbrellas should all be painted with a big red A, and made into outcasts of society! There is some top secret scandalous stuff about umbrellas that I just don’t trust anymore. Many a time, I tried to hide under an umbrella in a storm, only to be as wet as if I’d just left the umbrella at home. It’s not a good feeling to be soggy in the middle of a storm. Also, I think that I have left over hard feelings about being misled as a child by umbrellas and their kind. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to open an umbrella and fly away to freedom a la Mary Poppins. All of the umbrellas that I’ve tried to fly with have let me down. They didn’t even slow my fall from the top of my bunk bed. Just rotten all the way through.
This madness needs to stop! The umbrellas need to be stopped! I can’t take being foiled over and over by a light wind, or a sideways drizzle. America, they have been perpetrating a lie for too long now.
All I’m sayin’ is, I’m not down with these things. Banishment from my life is the only way that I can deal with such disappointment.
Goodbye umbrella, you’ve cast a dark shadow on this side of town and are no longer welcome. You shall from now on be known by me as Hester…