| on the outside |

I think that I used up all my friendly in college.

When I was in college, I was so open. I was ready to meet any and every body. If I didn’t know you , it was a good time for me to just get to know you and win you over. These days, I’m just a pretty horrible friend in a lot of cases. It’s not even like I really tried that hard, I just kinda developed this shell to the world, and even though I want to break out sometimes, I just feel like I don’t have a great reason to do such anymore.

I once had this friend. Hrmm. We were kinda more than friends at times. However, I remember that she was really the one person that I most trusted in life for a while. I don’t think there were many people around that I’d opened myself up to like I did with her. I know for a fact, that this was true. It’s one of those things, where you figure a truly healthy person would just go through the motion and time would heal the wounds, but I have for some reason been able to hold on to that hurt. Apparently, I’m great at the bad stuff eh?

Since that time, I have somehow convinced myself that I didn’t need to focus on anything but myself. I spent a year and a half going back into selfish mode, where I was the number one contender for my time, thoughts, and energy. This is now starting to show itself , as I have not been the same genial guy that I once was. I’m so much more bitter and jaded. After a day of work, I’m so happy with just drowning out the rest of the world. It’s one of those things that I’ve gotten used to over the past few years. It’s not a big deal right? I’m not hurting anyone by wanting to just be introverted…

I think it’s been causing problems, when I look outside of myself. I used to be the kind of person that you really couldn’t get rid of. No matter how long it had been, I would call you up and would make sure that I had some kind of foothold into your life and how you were doing. Now-a-days, I can’t be bothered too much. If you want to update me on something, that’s cool, but otherwise, I’m doin’ alright. I used to joke about being a hermit, but I realize that the joking is over now, and I’m really kinda alienating myself to the world, because I haven’t learned how to deal yet.

1. I have to deal with this. This thing I’ve been holding onto, this pain, this person, this stupid choice. I have to make sure that I give myself room to be a human, and to realize that there are things that people do sometimes, that aren’t the right choice. It’s just a thing that people do every once in a while. Hopefully, people learn from these things and move on.

It’s gotta be time to work towards being open to people again.

I promised stories to come. I just needed to get this off my chest before I could proceed in such things.

I’m out.

2 thoughts on “| on the outside |

  1. hi justin jukebox hustin 🙂 i like this post very much. thank you for being real.
    it always makes me sad to think how, when we go into hermit mode, people dont seek us out- but maybe its because we’ve become so shut off that even when people do try- we dont even see that.
    anyways, i am learning some of the same lessons that you are.
    i miss talking to you! tear biscuits and pressing buttons and the smell of peach cobbler.

  2. I’ve been having conversations with ppl abt selfishness lately, and I truly believe that for a lot of ppl, it comes from the working business world. U hafta watch out for urself first and foremost – same goes for bitter and jaded feelings – corporate america dude

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