I’ll start this entry out with a disclaimer.
Some of the stuff that I’m going to write is going to disappoint some people who read this blog (if many of you are still out there). Some of the stuff might not seem like that big of a deal (to me it matters). I’m writing this as a way to claim back a part of myself and as a way of letting something die. This is a necessary step for my personal development.
This is an attempt to reclaim my freedom and reconcile myself with my creativity. Last seen sometime in 2009.
Maybe 2.5/3 years ago, I met this nice young lady. Her name was Holly. She was a new co-worker at my job. She was a sprightly young lady. I thought she was kinda cool, didn’t really think too much about it. She was just a co-worker. Nothing more. At the time, I had been trying to deal with the rejection of a young lady that I’d had feelings for, for a long time. I spent a lot of time wondering why it was that she didn’t want to date me/have similar feelings for me. This was a the result of feelings that had lingered for a couple of years, and I had finally had the nerve to say something about.
I don’t know if I’d usually be considered to be the type of person to have extremely high self esteem, but after a couple of weeks of questioning, I came to the conclusion that I was an awesome guy. This was to be Shannon’s loss. I could list a bunch of great qualities about myself that would make me a catch for many other ladies. I had a great swell of pride. What was planted in my head was the thought that, if I really put my mind to it, I could win over and have any lady that I put my mind towards having.
This was about the time that I was getting to know Holly better. I started having thoughts about the fact that if I tried hard enough, I could win her over in particular. This turned into my pursuit of a friendship with her. I realized that we had a lot in common and actually, she was kinda on the weird side like I was. Yes, in a few ways, I’m a weird type gent (who says weird type gent, for example?). The awesome thing is that we had a crazy connection and she accepted me for the things that I thought other people judged me highly for. Things like getting excited about really small or weird things in life. She was really easy to get along with and time chillin’ with her was just really comfortable. After a while, this friendship business turned into some flirtiness. The flirtiness turned into a mini friends with benefits type thing. It was mostly making out in the beginning. However, It did lead to us sleeping together.
To a lot of people, this isn’t too big of a deal. Grown people do such things often. For me, it was kind of a big deal. The first thing about it is that I really tried to live life like the good Christian gent that I had been raised to be. This comes with the belief that pre-marital sex is not a good thing. I had compromised myself in the heat of a “relationship” with someone that I was comfortable with. It wasn’t a deal of: “Oh I really need this to happen, and I can’t wait.” It was more of just a: “this feels like a normal thing to do with someone.” Needless to say, it was something that was weighing on my mind for quite a while. I gave part of myself to her..
Holly was also on and off involved with a dude that lived all the way in San Diego. This was not a big deal at first, until she decided that she wanted to be with this guy and that we should be friends. That was a pretty awkward transition. It took a lot of painful talks and effort on both ends. However, we were able to have just a good friendship, nothing extra. Even though it sucked to get to that point, we got to that point and all was beginning to be good. After a few months, I spent some time being introspective, and I came to the conclusion that I wanted to get re-involved with an ex that I had broken up with a while before (I thought this would be good for me at the time). The deal was that, I felt if I was going to be restarting something with this girl, that I shouldn’t be friends with Holly anymore (given the history that we’d had). So I presented to her the idea of us not being friends anymore. I thought that would be the right thing to do. She pitched a huge hissy fit. I was told that I was being a jerk and unfair, for wanting to not be friends with her anymore (especially after all the work we’d done to make the friendship work). I decided that we could stay friends after her argument, and I got back together with the ex. A few months later, she was back with the dude in SD, and he found out what happened between us months before. He was unhappy with that, and broke up with her. This time she decided that she needed to move back to San Diego and fix things with him. Of course, without any discussion, she decided that she was not able to talk to me anymore, and we were not to be friends again.
This hypocritical act was not something that I expected from her. It was dumb of me, but it hurt me to have to go through. After everything that happened with us, I thought being friends would be something she’d fight for (not that I didn’t understand why we shouldn’t be). I just remembered that it was something that I tried to end months before, because I thought that it would be a good decision. In the midst of her dismissing me, it was decided that I should censor my (then current) blog, and block anyone from seeing anything that I had written that involved her. Even though I thought it was against my ideas for blogging, I went along with it. I didn’t want to cause any more problems for her and her boyfriend down there. That, however was the first time that I felt like my creative freedom was taken from me. From that moment, I could not write anything real in that blog. I tried to keep it going with shallow, topical things, but eventually it died. I tried a couple of other ones, but it just never was able to be sustained. This also affected my ability to write poetry, which was something that I loved.
It took me this long to realize that even though I did compromise myself and my beliefs, that I needed to let things with her go. There was a period of mourning things, that I had put off for years that I went through. It wasn’t until earlier this evening, that I realized that I had to just get this story out, “in public” to be able to work on reclaiming my creative identity/freedom. This entry is a step towards me achieving that.
I needed to get that out, in order to start fresh and put the stupidity behind me. I’m taking this chance of exposing something that I had not been open to before, to liberate myself from any shame/self-judgement that was holding me back.
Here’s to the hope of recapturing some of the essence of me and moving forward!