| You can’t see me |

A few excerpts from a text conversation with a friend today…

Friend

You are such an amazing soul
Me

I’m not sure why you think so kindly of me, but I’ll take it
Friend

Because you have a heart of gold
Me

what have I ever done that shows you such a thing?

I’m literally curious

Friend

You do nice things for people all the time. And also you always ask how I’m doing and take genuine interest in the things that are going on with me. And you’ve always been a great friend to me. You’re very very loyal

 

Is it sadder that I had to ask the question of her, or that I realize that there are parts of me that I miss, which are contained in her explanation?

I’ve been really struggling lately with this internal struggle of not feeling seen/understood vs. being willing to be open with people. On one hand, I recognize the need to stop being so closed off at every turn. I’m missing out on the chance to create some lasting friendships with people, or just getting great connections.  The trade-off for that is the ability to tightly control what I have to deal with and not allowing any hurtful behavior to come at me. I have willingly let my distrust of the good in people give me a reason to just stay to myself. I’m an island, when I don’t have to be, all the time.

This next idea is going to sound cocky or stupid, but I have genuinely thought that I am too special to just be ruined by people and their actions towards me. This is where I identify with what my friend listed about me. A conversation that I had with her earlier in the week left with me telling her that she hadn’t even been witness to the best of me yet.

1. Who says that to someone?
2. Who believes it to be true?…
3. Why is it that I am selectively doing things like that?

This is my time for growth and my time to try to find me. Those are the challenges that I have set for myself. It’s not going to be easy or pretty, but I have to strike that balance and get myself back to opening myself up. Putting myself out there is the only way that I’m going to be able to step into the complete Justin that I know to exist and let him see the light of day with other people. I’m encouraged though, that there are little bits of me peeking through and that all is not lost. I have to choose the uncomfortable position for myself, to see real results. |

Friends! I’m coming for you! If I don’t know you yet, get ready to meet me!

 

 

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