Lemme preface this entry by saying that I made a terrible mistake and nothing I can say actually excuses me from it, but I’m also not asking for any excuses. I messed up and I’m opening up to it.
Once, when I was younger, I spread a rumor about being gay. People thought that I was a little weird (which I was). I thought that being controversial would be a reasonable way to live up to that perception. Once it got back to my mom, she asked me about it. I denied it and she asked me if I knew what it meant. I told her and a apologized for lying to people.
I had no idea how damaged that way of thinking was, but I just wanted to give people a reason to think that I was different.
Tonight, I decided to pull something similar. In a response to my own discomfort around not being a dater in this society. I’m the last of my super close friends to not be married/getting married or be in a serious relationship. I’ve heard lots in the past week about how people wish I’d meet a nice girl. I also had about how I might be gay and denying myself, because I’m not even trying to date anyone. I didn’t think about how much this might have bothered me until after I got called out by my friends for being an ass.
I got the idea to play an April fool’s joke on them by telling them that I’d realized recently that I don’t want to date because I’m recently realizing that I didn’t like women. Yes, not my best move. Yes my friends called me out immediately (as they damn well should have). It’s not a joke to be gay and that should not be how I decide to erase any discomfort for myself.
I apologize to anyone that I know who I am offensive to. It’s totally a reprehensible thing to do. No matter what I say, I gotta live with the fact that I did that. What’s interesting to me is that it’s my eat if responding to some internal shortcoming. The way many of us fall short of something in our hearts and decide that we have to be strong against or because of.
It’s really easy, as a male, to just dismiss something as an effort to cover up something that we feel inadequate about. That’s not cool. Not the way I want to operate in life. I need to learn how to care less about what people think and just live for me. You would think I would have learned this by my 36th year on Earth, but alas, I’m still in the learning place.
Also, I realize that I can only be responsible for my reactions to things and this was a failure. That’s it. No other words for it, besides my bad.
I always have this idea that living a comfortable life is boring. That night be true in many ways, but there is also no reason to try to look about who you are/why you things. Tonight, I painfully learned that lesson.