Tag Archives: Realizations.

| Self Medicating |

A 5 year old boy pushed his bicycle and kept thinking: “I’m going to fall. It’s going to hurt. I’m going to fall. I’m going to fall.” He was comfortable with the training wheels. Honestly, wasn’t it kinda early to move away from that? He was weeks away from his 6th birthday and just wanted things to stay as he knew them. This brand new year and no training wheels seemed like a lot to take on. Where was the fun in this? This just seemed like something scary. Something an 6 year old would be able to handle.


His mom and dad were right behind him. They gently put their hands on his back and encouraged him to make the step forward. They said things like: “don’t be afraid.” Or “It’ll be ok. Just give it a try.” More than anything, they didn’t want their son to fall and hurt himself, but they knew that the initial hardships were worth the effort. Once he could ride a bike, he’d have so much fun. They could picture the squeaks of laughter as he streaked up and down the sidewalk. Yet, they saw the fear in his eyes and wanted to fast forward through the painful beginnings for him.

Eventually, the boy got through the hard parts and his parents slyly removed their hands from his side and they all celebrated together, once he realized that he could ride the bike all by himself.

I recently read a book called: “How To Be Here” by Rob Bell. I have no idea who this guy is, but in general, he’s written a book about being fully in the present. His bigger picture concept is based on the fact that the past doest write the future. The future doesn’t happen all in one go. All the stops along the way are what make for great learning and great experiences. There’s no greater gift than the present (cue the old joke about it being called that for a reason… I’ll give you the side eye and a second).

Sometimes we don’t take the risk because of something that happened in the past. We tried something and it blew up in our face and so whenever there’s a new opportunity all we can think about is what happened back then.

If I’m to be real, I’m  in a space where this is totally true. I am also in a spot where I am definitely a little jealous of where some friends are in life. I am 33 years old. When my father was my age, he had a wife, a 6 year old me, and a 3 year old my sister. He was already pushing forward in the world. I have no wife, no kids, no house, nothing. I’m living with two housemates and I don’t have a car. I’m surrounded by friends who are all married and having kids. All I can think about is where I missed there boat. I want these things, but it seems far off.

There’s something though, about trying to self medicate/protect. I would say I live a pretty safe life. I use my intuition to keep me safe and not make take many mistakes. This has served me well until recently, where I am seeing that this muffler of the road life… It’s missing something… There’s flavor being missed. No growth is happening. Failure is a part of life, however it’s something that I’m running away from. What does it say about me, that I want a perfectly content life without challenge? It sounds like I want all the spoils and none of the adventures.

For the last few months, I was dating 3 women. No, not 3 women successively, 3 women simultaneously. No, I’m not exactly brushing my shoulder off (shout out to jigga). I really wanted to try this whole dating thing after some recent events. I was constantly questioning my motives with each young lady. I have zero experience with dating, in case you were wondering (I know, I am charming. You’re correct, but it was just never anything that I was super concerned with). Throughout this time, there was one girl who I really was excited about. Through the process of elimination ( I got eliminated by one, I eliminated the other), I found myself going on dates with just one woman. Yay! Cue the rom-com music and celebration!

The last woman standing is the one I was most excited about all along (big surprise, right)? The problem is that I’m currently sabotaging that situation. We’ve been on 7 dates. I have a mental block about her. Can’t read how these dates are going, haven’t even tried as much as holding her hand ( now what do you think about that silly shoulder brushing)?

I had a conversation with a friend last night. She was legitimately questioning my motives and desires. I walked away from that conversation with the conclusion that I am definitely getting in my way because I am not sure how things are going. It’s like I’m looking for signs or guarantees that something could happen. Classic middle road actions. The problem with that is simple. While I’m fumbling around and waiting for an in, some self-assured hottie with a fresh ( Man bun? Undercut? Insert trendy hairstyle here) is going to take a risk and win her over, right in front of me.

Instead of making a move, I’m already pushing her away and steeling  myself for rejection. The problem is that it doesn’t have to end that way, if I get over myself. I swear, I’ve been in this spot before and the outcome was exactly that. It’s hard to learn things, isn’t it Justin?

Why speak on this, you ask? Well, technically, It’s my blog and I can cry if I want to… Wait. That’s not right. I like to think that if I write something down, I’ll kinda carry it out correctly. I realize that I have to stop protecting myself. I’m depriving myself of the gifts of life. Mistakes/suffering/pain are around to let you know you’re alive. You learn from these things.

I’m definitely  couple of lessons short of real living. It’s worth a try, I think.

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| islighted… |

Yeah… We all know this logo. This company is taking over the world. It hits especially close to home because I have now joined the bandwagon.

My dad pulled the ultimate Christmas miracle and had one of these delivered to my house. Christmas day was simultaneously one of the most awesome and one of the most embarrassing that I’ve experienced. I don’t think that it’s ok for a grown man to be jumping up and down in his house and screaming like a prepubescent girl. My voice rose high, like praises lifting up to heaven. As lovely as that image is (my pitch was nowhere near as pleasing. Someone might’ve thought that someone was getting attacked, actually.) I told him that it was something that I wanted to save up for, he decided that perhaps I should be saving my money for rainy days, or one of many of the infinitely shiny distractions that catch my eyes.

As I thought about my recent gift, I realized that a little part of me was sad. (yes, even though I had an awesome laptop in front of me, I was a little bit sad.)  The reason that I was a little sad was that I recognized that I would not be able  to go and purchase one of these magnificent laptops. If you have never been into an apple store to make a purchase, I must say
you are missing out just a bit. I cannot say that I can think of something more satisfying to my extra-consumeristic American lifestyle than making a purchase at an Apple store. It IS an experience. There is nothing like being in that place with all of the crazy Apple fan-people and the Mac Geniuses. The layout of these places are all different, the display of the products invites you to touch, and buy. The way that the computers are laid out next to the iphones and ipods all nilly willy are enough to give any window shopper aspirations to get that raise for the next year (that’d be the only way to really even afford any of these marvelous cupertino computers.)

I shuddered at the thought that once again, the internet had taken me away from an experience. There are so many things that are just much more easily done over the internet. I live in the bay area, my father lives in southern california. It really makes sense that he’d be able to just jump on the internet and procure a Christmas gift for his only son. I wouldn’t expect him to walk into the apple store himself and hand-pick a computer. Shopping at a mall has now become something that I dread. Why? There are too many people, the crowds can get unruly. I feel disappointment in the assortment that is provided for me (especially in shoes. I hate asking if someone has this in a size 13. THEY NEVER DO!). The interned has sucked me in with its infinite possibilities and bottomless storehouses of stuff. Why go to Macy’s when I can just take my own measurements and spend a mere fraction of the time purchasing my wares on the internet?

The internet changes the way that people interact. People are much less prone to call each other. We’re so used to being in front of a screen (of various sizes and devices) that we’d be just as apt to text each other. Normal conversations have been replaced by horribly misspelled facsimiles of words typed and abbreviated so that we can really show off how we don’t have to spell things correctly to get our points across. How awesome, I’m so free that I’m able to express myself in whatever way I want, and if you don’t understand it, you’re not cool. I’m so guilty of being one of those people who’d rather chat with you over Adium instead of going to a nice cafe and cultivating conversation.

The thing that blew my mind the most was this delightful video game…

Even though I love this game, I shudder to think about how much better I might be at playing the bass if I was willing to go pick up the actual instrument (that has now set up residence in my closet) over picking up it’s fake plastic cousin. I spend so much time trying to be good in Rock Band, that I just neglect the fact that i’m not really playing any music at all am I? All I know is that “music” comes out from my mashing of little plastic buttons. I say the internet, but it’s really just electronic devices, that have changed the way that reality comes across.

It’s sad when I think about how much I’ve been pulling an avatar… You aren’t seeing or dealing with me, you’re dealing with the digital representation of me all over the place. SLIGHTED I say! This is a tragedy. I must make a resolution to step from behind my many screens and reinsert myself into society.

Just gotta get from behind this screen… This beautiful glossy screen. It pops so much more than nature…

Oh! Dammit!

Think about that!

I’m out…

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